Test

Mommy: Zach, you get to take a test next week at Sylvan.

Zach: YEAH, I am so lucky.  I LOVE tests.  WooHoo...  Mommy, what is a test?

Apple a Day

Grandpa: Do you know what an apple a day does?

Zach: An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.

Grandpa: What about two apples

Zach: Two apples a day keeps the DENTIST away.

Cloud

Daddy was visiting PopTop in Richmond and saying that he was working on "Clouds"

Daddy: I am working on the "infamous cloud".  Making clouds work....whatever that really means.


Zach: Isn't that something that you do in second grade, make clouds?

Brownies

Tessa: Next week I am going to be a Brownie.
Zach: I want a brownie
Mommy: Tessa is going to be a Brownie scout not a food
Zach: Then can I buy brownies from Tessa?

Tax

Zach and Grandpa were driving together on the way to some bagels.

Zach: Grandpa, you do TAXES for an occupation, right?

Grandpa: Yes

Zach: Does that mean that you drive a TAXI?

Loose my Yelling voice

Tessa was throwing another big tantrum before school.  Daddy was in the basement and Mommy was in Tessa's room.  She was in the room holding the door.

TESSA: GET OUT OF MY ROOM BEFORE I KICK YOU.


MOMMY: You need to calm down first


TESSA: IF YOU DONT LEAVE, I'M GOING TO LOOSE MY YELLING VOICE.  IF THAT HAPPENS I CAN'T YELL AT YOU TO LEAVE MY ROOM ANY MORE.  THEN I CAN"T TALK TO YOU THE REST OF THE DAY.

Party like a Rock Star

We FINALLY figured out what is up with Zach's newest wardrobe obsession:

Zach: I want a real guitar with a strap and a plug and I want to dress like a rock star.

Mommy: How does a rock star dress?

Zach: They wear a t-shirt with a dress shirt over it with a tie [this is currently what he wears to school].

Mommy: What makes you think a rock star dresses that way?

Zach: Well, that's how Alvin the Chipmunk dresses.

PJ School Day

This is one of the not so funny stories that is best saved for embarrassment in the future.

One morning when Daddy was in Australia, Mommy was getting the kids ready for school.  The clothes Tessa picked out could not be worn because of the bad weather, and she refused all other suggested outfits.

Tessa: I don't know what to wear. I don't want to wear anything in this closet.

Mommy: You'd better pick out something. I don't want to have to send you to school in your pajamas.

Tessa: You would not do that!

Mommy: Oh yes I would.

An hour later, Tessa was still laying on the floor in front of her closet in her pajamas.

Tessa: I'm not putting on any clothes and I'm not going to school today!!!

Mommy: We'll see about that.

Mommy picked her up and carried her out to the car in her pajamas and drove her to school. When they got to the school, Mommy asked to have the school counselor speak with Tessa about the importance of attending school. The counselor was not available, so the "Acting" Vice-Principal came and had a little chat with Tessa. She spent the rest of the day at school in her pajamas.

Zach was watching the entire scene very, very quietly. He said only one thing on the entire ride to his school.

Zach: Mommy, I will never, ever do what Tessa did.

After school, Mommy and Tessa had a discussion.

Mommy: So, how did it feel to have to talk to the Vice-Principal and go to school in your pajamas?

Tessa: Fine.

Mommy: That wasn't embarrassing to have to talk to the Vice-Principal?

Tessa: No, because he is really just my Math teacher.

Pedicure

Tess and Zach were watching tv when a comercial came on where a character (who was a dog) said that "I am going to need a pedicure after this".

Zach: What is a pedicure?


Tessa: It is when a bunch of animals go to the bathroom at the same time.

Zach and Poptop

This is not really a funny story but some really funny art that he did.

I would like to point out a few things in this picture.

1. Poptop's hair is very accurate
2. Zach's hair is spiked.  Mommy likes to call him "Shark Boy" in this picture.  He just wants to be like Thanh.
3. The Mickey mouse like shapes on the ground are presents in gift bags
4. The house is Poptop's
5. It is Christmas there (DeeDee and Poptop are visited by the family on Christmas
6. Zach has Lightning McQueen on his shirt.

Note from Teacher

Tessa came home from school one day and said, "I have a note from the teacher, Here it is."  She handed Mommy this note:

Mommy: Are you sure the is from your teacher?

Tessa: Oh yes, she wants you to give me crayons.

GPS

Mommy was picking Zach up from School on day when a little girl came up to her.

Little Girl: Zach's Mommy, can Zach come over to my house this weekend?

Mommy:  Well he can't this weekend but some day he can.

Little Girl:  You will have to know how to get to my house.

Zach:  Don't worry we have a GPS, it knows how to get there.

What you need to drive

We were in Florida for a wedding driving between Disney and the Hotel and Zach says...

Zach:  I know what the most important first thing you need to drive is.  Do you?

Daddy: A Drivers License?

Zach: No

Mommy: Keys?

Zach: No

Daddy: I know... driving gloves?

Zach: No

Mommy: A car?

Zach: No

Daddy: What then?

Zach: A GPS so you know where you are going!

Beef: Its whats for ...

Daddy and Zach were on their way home from the gym in the car and Zach was talking about dinner.

Zach: I want Beef for dinner.

Daddy: So you want some good cow?

Zach: Yes.  Milk comes from a cow, right?

Daddy: Yes it does.

Zach: Does that mean that beef is poop?

Daddy: No

Zach: Then beef is the cow itself?

Daddy: Yes

Zach: Is milk pee?

Daddy: Ha Ha ...no, it is from the mamary glands of the mommy cow for the baby calfs.

Zach: Oh.

It was a lot

The family was having a family dinner and both Tessa and Zach went to the bathroom.  When Tessa returned she had something to report.

Tessa: Who was the last person in the bathroom? The last person that was in the bathroom did not flush.

Zach raises his hand.

Tessa: ...And there was a lot of...of--

Daddy: Why does it matter how much there was?

Lonely Child

Mommy: You two are very lucky to have each other.  You alway have someone to play with and are never alone.  Some people are not so lucky.

Tessa: Yeah, they have a name for it.  They call them a "Lonely Child".

Mommy: Honey, it is "Only Child" not "Lonely Child".

Cousins and flip flops

Zach: How old is Aunt Melissa?

Daddy: 27

Tessa: She should be married by now.

Mommy: DeeDee thinks she should be have kids by now.

Zach: Yeah I want lots of cousins...and fip flops.

Everything I do

On the way back from the grandparents' house the family was in the van listening to a mixed CD.  They heard "Everything I do, I do it for you" by Brian Adams and everyone sang along.  Later that night, when Daddy was putting Zach to bed, Zach posed a question.

Zach:  Why does he do everything for this girl or boy?

Daddy: Because he loves her?

Zach:  What did she ever do for him?

Daddy:  I don't know, you will have to ask Mommy.

Stew

Zach was playing around the house and passed some gas.  He immediately tried to blame someone else.

Daddy:  You need to give credit where credit is due?

Zach:  What is credit stew? It sounds good.

Happy Nappers

The family was on a cruise and the only toy that Tessa wanted to bring was the happy napper dog that she got for her birthday.  So daddy started singing the song.

Daddy: They are happy, happy nappers, they'll make all you dreams come true--hey, now that you have one, did ALL of your dreams come true?


Tessa:  Only the favorite ones!


Daddy: Which ones are those?

Tessa: To get happy nappers.


Daddy: How convenient.

Romantic

Zach was playing with some Cars Movie matchbox cars.  He was racing Holly Shiftwell, Lightning McQueen, and Mater across the kitchen floor and Holly and Mater tied for first place.

Zach (from across the room): What happened?

He walks over to inspect and notices that they are stuck together.

Zach:  Ohhhhh, they were stuck together, that is why.  How ROMANTIC!

Solider of the Water.

Tessa: When I grow up I want to be a solider that protects the water.

Daddy: Are you saying that you want to be in the Navy?

Tessa: Yeah, my teacher talked to us about it.

It snores

The whole family was on the way to visit the local grandparents house and Tessa and Zach started singing the Happy Nappers song.  Click here if you have no idea what a Happy Napper is.

Tessa: They are Happy. Happy Nappers, and they'll make all your dreams come true. We need to get one of those.

Daddy: You already have a pillow pet.  

Tessa: They are all available now.  That is what they said on the commercial.


Daddy: You still already have a pillow pet.  It is basically the same thing.  It turns from a pillow to a pet and back.  The Happy Nappers turn from a pillow to a pet, but the pillow is shaped like a barn.

Tessa: Daddy, don't be silly, it does more than that.  When you push the button it snores.

Mommy (rolling her eyes): Yeah daddy, that changes everything. 


Daddy: That does not mean that you are getting one.


Tessa: Dede said that she is going to buy us one but they did not have them at the store.

Mommy:  I thought that you said that they were all available now.

Fiddle in the Band

Mommy and Zach were in the car listening to some music when a country song came on that has the lyrics, "if you want to play in Texas, you got to have a fiddle in the band".

Zach:  Mommy, that song is not true.  I played in Texas and I did not have a fiddle in my band.

Mommy: In this case, a band is a group that plays music, not a band like on your clothes.

Donuts?

Daddy was reading Zach the Donut post from last week.

Zach:  That is crazy.  Who would eat a donut that was on the wall?

Daddy: Zach, you said that last week!

More feeling sorry

Daddy was going out of town for business and the Grandparents were in Florida. Mommy was taking care of the kids by herself for three days.

Tessa:   I feel really sorry for you.  You don't know how to take care of with us without daddy, grandma or grandpa.


Mommy:  Sweetie, Grandma and Grandpa didn't always live here. Believe it or not, I took care of both of you all by myself a lot when Daddy went on trips.


Zach: But we were babies then.

Bagels

There is somewhat of a family tradition that on the weekends Grandpa takes that kids to get bagels or brings bagels back from Einsteins for the kids to eat.  This weekend the grandparents and the parents were doing a garage sale at the grandparents house and Grandpa brought back some bagels for the kid's breakfast.

Grandpa: Zach, I brought back bagels.  What kind do you want:  pumpernickel or an everything bagel?


Zach:  PUNKernickle, of course!

Donut

Zach: If I throw a donut on the wall and it sticks to the wall then I should eat it.

Daddy: You don't want to eat a donut that it stuck to the wall.

Zach: I like donuts and walls, so why not?

A family of Love

Some time ago Daddy taught Zach the "First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest" saying. Every time that Zach gets in the car he points out who is the worst, best, and hairy chested. The family went out for Mother's Day dinner a day early and on the way home Zach brought it up again.

Zach: Mommy is the worst, Daddy is the best, and I am the one with a hairy chest.

Tessa: We don't want mommy to feel bad. We are a "Family of Love" and we don't want Mommy to think that she is the worst.

Save your spot

Mommy and Zach were having a mommy/son evening watching TV on the couch alone in the house.

Mommy: I'm going to go to the bathroom

Zach: Don't worry, I will save your spot

Mommy comes back to find Zach's little hand where Mommy had been sitting

Zach: Mommy, I saved your spot

Reading to Daddy

Daddy reads to Tessa and Zach every night (that he is in town). He usually reads a book for each of them. Every once in a while he will have to forgo the book. The reasons for this include:

-It is too late, and Tessa and Zach need to get to bed pronto.
-One or both of them are misbehaving.
-There is only enough time for one book.

Most of these are pretty rare occasions, but they happen.

So one night Daddy jokingly suggests that Zach and Tessa read to him for a change.

Zach: You have been a bad Daddy today, so you do not get a book

Daddy: Pleeeeeaaase!

Zach: Your ear is too late

Daddy: But the rest of me is on time

Zach: Your face and nose are too late too!

Daddy: [makes sad face]

Zach: We can't read, Silly Daddy!

Mow her room

Tessa's good friend Kayla is always giving Zach and Tessa cute little gifts for different holidays. The other day she gave them candy bunnies in fake Easter grass. Tessa ate the bunnies immediately, then said excitedly, "I'm going to bring the grass right up to my room." She proceeded up the stairs and almost lovingly placed the grass among her various "treasures" (read: all items currently littering the floor of her messy room).

Later, while the kids were at swim lessons, Mommy tells the story to Daddy.

Mommy: Tessa did eat the candy, but she was more excited about the grass. She brought the grass up to her room.

Daddy: Great, now we need to mow her room too!

You shook the house

Zach has this thing about blaming others when he falls down. Like when he trips in the door way it was because you left something on the floor 10 feet away. This episode was particularly funny.

Daddy was in the bathroom cleaning up after the kids bath,when he hears Zach fall down off of his bed.

Daddy: What happened?

Zach: You made me fall because you shook the house when you walked.

Daddy: (laughing hard) Yeah, right. I am sure that was the case!

Selling Shoes

On the way back from the mall, where we purchased shoes for the kids, we were talking to Zach about the new shoes.

Zach: I want to sell my shoes that I am wearing right now.

Daddy: They have holes in them. Who would want to buy them?

Zach: Daniel would want to buy them.

Daddy: I highly doubt that.

Zach: Then I want to throw them in the forest so that now other person can use them. Only the tigers and the bears can have them.

Cute

Grandma, Tessa and Zach were sitting together at the house and Tessa gave Grandma a real funny look.

Grandma: What is wrong?

Tessa: You're not cute.

Grandma: Why would you say that?

Tessa: From where I am, you are just NOT cute.

Zach, who was not part of the conversation, butts in: Great Grandma is cute...She's real cute.

Funny underwear

Grandma and Tessa were trying on clothes at Macy's. Grandma was trying on pants in the dressing room and Tessa saw her underwear.

Tessa: Hehehehehe!!!

Grandma: What is sooo funny?

Tessa: I'm having trouble not laughing at your underwear.

Grandma: Why is that?

Tessa: They are just so funny looking!

Grandma: Is it because it is not the bikini cut?

Tessa: I think that is why.

Grandma: When you get older you'll wear larger underwear.

Flies

Daddy was putting Tessa to bed last night and he noticed that inside her baby doll's mouth was a piece of Styrofoam. It is one of the baby dolls that comes with a bottle so that the doll's mouth is always in the position to drink the bottle.

Daddy: Why is there Styrofoam in Dolly's mouth?

Tessa: So flies don't get in there. You told me that if you leave your mouth open too long you will get flies in there.

Daddy: I guess I did, a long time ago.

Swimming

Grandma, Tessa and Zach were riding in the car on the way to swimming lessons.

Grandma: What stroke are you guys going to swim?

Tessa: Free-style!

Zach: HMMMM! I want to do the BACKSCRUB!

Feel sorry for mommy

Tessa: I feel sorry for Mommy.

Daddy: Why is that?

Tessa: When you leave town and are gone, Mommy has to deal with Zach's crying.

Daddy: As opposed to you? Are you really easy?

Tessa: I am easy. When I am bad you just plug me into my room. And if I am still bad you can lock the door and take away my toys. Real easy.

Daddy: HAHA! I guess we have quite a routine for your behavior.

Tessa: But Zach just cries and cries. It is difficult to deal with.

A Moon

Zach: There was a boy at the gym named Amun (pronounced a-moon). He is a boy and he is real. He is not a Moon, but actually just a kid. He is only 3.

Daddy: 3 Million years old?

Zach: No silly, he is just a 3 year old kid.

It is okay for both of you to work there

One weekend Daddy and Zach were watching TV and a commercial for Boeing came on.  

Daddy: You know, I work for Boeing.

Zach: I know.  My friend Daniel's Dad works for Boeing too.  You need to quit Boeing.

Daddy:  Why is that?

Zach: Daniel and I decided that both of our dads cannot work there.

Several weeks later on the drive back from the gym:


Zach: My friend Daniel and I decided that you do not need to quit Boeing.  It is okay for both of you to work there.  In fact, I decided that I am not going to marry Daniel (see here).  Instead; we are both going to work at Boeing when we grow up.

Daddy:  I always imagined you owning your own business...like a bagel store.  What will you name your bagel store?

Zach: hmmm...Mortimer Snerd.  I like it when Grandpy calls me that.

You'll live (AKA "die and get a molar")

Daddy was putting Tessa to bed and he went to put some anti-thumb sucking liquid on Tessa's thumb.

Tessa: That is irritating.

Daddy: That is what stops you from sucking your thumb.

Tessa: It is really irritating.

Daddy: You'll live.

Daddy puts Tessa to bed, she gets upset and Daddy locks the door until she calms down.

Tessa: If want me to live you will let me out. I will tell G-d to let me die. If you love me you will let me out.... You must not love me...YOU WANT ME TO DIE!!! Then I'm dying forever tomorrow...or maybe the next day or perhaps Friday....I AM GOING TO SPEND 5 DAYS DYING!!! If you don't want to let me die, you better open this door...

At some point Zach comes out of his room.


Zach: I did not brush my teeth.

Daddy: Go brush them real quick and then go back to bed.

Tessa: HA! HA! HA! We ALL forgot to brush our teeth.  We are going to get a MOLAR.  HA! HA! I am going to get a molar because I did not brush my teeth and you will be sorry.  I am going to MOLE at you every day.  We are going to get a MOLAR and we are going to die...die and get a MOLAR...If you don't want me to die you will open this door...I am not happy about this, I am going to get a MOLAR...


Hits door to her room


Tessa: Do I have to do that again?  I AM GOING TO GET A MOLAR!!!

"Handwriting" Exercise

Zach was in pre-school the other day and the teacher went around handing out sheets of lined paper.  She told the whole class, "Class, now we are going to do some handwriting exercises".

Zach takes his pencil with his right hand and then puts his left hand on the paper and starts to trace his hand.  The teacher asked him what he was doing and he responded, "Handwriting".

I am sorry for...

Mommy, Daddy and Zach were at lunch the other day and Zach tried to steal a chip off of Daddy's plate.  Daddy blocked the attempt and Zach was upset.

Daddy:  You cannot just take others food without asking.

Zach: I DON'T WANT TO EAT ANYTHING!  I AM NOT HUNGRY!

Daddy: -

Zach: YOU DID NOT LET ME FINISH MY THOUGHT!

Daddy:  You can have a chip if you apologize for this outburst and ask nicely.

Zach: (more mumbling)  I am sorry.

Daddy: What for?

Zach: NOTHING! 

Daddy: Well that is not going to get you any chips.

Zach: YOUR TALKING MAKES ME TIRED! (5 mins of more nonsense).   I am sorry for being disrespectful.  Can I please have a chip?

How many children

Bubby: How many children do you want to have?

Tessa: Four.

Zach:Four or six.

Daddy: What about five?

Zach: Not five.

Bubby: I guess that he only wants an even number of kids.

Day in the Life of a Kindergartner: Tessa

Mommy wakes Tessa up for school.

Tessa stares at her closet for 30 minutes pondering the perfect clothing ensemble.  

Mommy comes in room and forces Tessa to choose an outfit. 

Tessa must, must, must have her hair done with a straightening iron and preferably several cute barrettes.

Tessa dictates her breakfast, lunch, and snack to Mommy. Each meal must only consist of healthy food, no milk, and lots of water because "that is what your body is made of all the way up to your chin." Should Mommy fail to comply with said rules, she will be severely reprimanded later.

Tessa is lucky if she arrives at the bus on time.

Tessa returns from school and asks to play with Kayla.  Hurricane Kayla and Tornado Tessa destroy at least two rooms in the house.  Mommy tells Tessa and Kayla to start cleaning up.  They start cleaning up.  Mommy returns later to find Tropical Storms have hit the same rooms. There is no possible way to clean the mess before Kayla leaves.

Mommy or Daddy again tells Tessa to clean her room after Kayla leaves. One or many of the following excuses come out of her mouth:

"ZACH MADE THIS MESS!"

"KAYLA MADE THIS MESS!"

"I CANNOT CLEAN THIS UP BY MYSELF!"

"YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO!"

"YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME TO CLEAN UP ANYTHING BY MYSELF!"

"THIS IS GOING TO TAKE 8 HOURS!"

"I NEED TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, BUT YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING!"

"I CAN'T GET TO THE TOYS IN THE CORNER BECAUSE IT IS TOO MESSY!"

Or Daddy's favorite: "THERE IS TOO MUCH STUFF TO CLEAN UP!"  

All excuses receive the following response: "Then we will have to donate it to someone who can clean it up."

For more information, see "tantrum" blog post.

Bedtime is only possible by making a path to the bed between the toys that she has been "working on" cleaning up for the past 3 hours.

Have an Idea

Tessa: Mommy, I know what I can do to help me stop sucking my thumb.

Mommy: What is that?

Tessa: I can wear gloves all the time.

Mommy: How about just when you are watching TV or sleeping?

Tessa: And when I have quiet time.  I worry about sleeping during nap time.

Mommy: What do you worry about?

Tessa: Snoring. I don't want to snore and wake up the others.

Daddy: You don't snore.  I know because I've listened.

Tessa: Sometimes I do at Grandma's house.  Like this ( makes snoring sounds).  I am breathe-snoring...(more snoring sounds)

Tessa:  That's annoying, isn't it?

Daddy: Yes, yes it is. 

Those Gluten Free Lips

Mommy has Celiac disease and subsequently has to eat a gluten free diet gluten free.

Mommy:  I need a kiss from Zach.

Zach: Don't kiss me with those gluten free lips!

Someone Who Cares

Zach was pouting and being grouchy outside of "The Land" area of Epcot in Disney. He was mad that we asked him to give his sister a hug in a picture.

He plopped his butt down in the garden area.

Zach: I want to go back to the hotel!

Daddy: If you cry, we're going to drop you off in "Find Someone Who Cares Land."

Cruising along in my automobile

Setting:  Sitting at a light on RT 50 with the windows rolled down in September.  Daddy driving the Camry and Tessa and Zach sitting in their car seats in the back.

Zach: HEY BABY I LOVE YOU!!!

Daddy looks around and everyone has their windows rolled up and there is no-one that constitutes "baby" anywhere to be seen.

Zach: (giggle) I just said "Hey baby I love you" out the window (giggle)