Funny underwear

Grandma and Tessa were trying on clothes at Macy's. Grandma was trying on pants in the dressing room and Tessa saw her underwear.

Tessa: Hehehehehe!!!

Grandma: What is sooo funny?

Tessa: I'm having trouble not laughing at your underwear.

Grandma: Why is that?

Tessa: They are just so funny looking!

Grandma: Is it because it is not the bikini cut?

Tessa: I think that is why.

Grandma: When you get older you'll wear larger underwear.

Flies

Daddy was putting Tessa to bed last night and he noticed that inside her baby doll's mouth was a piece of Styrofoam. It is one of the baby dolls that comes with a bottle so that the doll's mouth is always in the position to drink the bottle.

Daddy: Why is there Styrofoam in Dolly's mouth?

Tessa: So flies don't get in there. You told me that if you leave your mouth open too long you will get flies in there.

Daddy: I guess I did, a long time ago.

Swimming

Grandma, Tessa and Zach were riding in the car on the way to swimming lessons.

Grandma: What stroke are you guys going to swim?

Tessa: Free-style!

Zach: HMMMM! I want to do the BACKSCRUB!

Feel sorry for mommy

Tessa: I feel sorry for Mommy.

Daddy: Why is that?

Tessa: When you leave town and are gone, Mommy has to deal with Zach's crying.

Daddy: As opposed to you? Are you really easy?

Tessa: I am easy. When I am bad you just plug me into my room. And if I am still bad you can lock the door and take away my toys. Real easy.

Daddy: HAHA! I guess we have quite a routine for your behavior.

Tessa: But Zach just cries and cries. It is difficult to deal with.

A Moon

Zach: There was a boy at the gym named Amun (pronounced a-moon). He is a boy and he is real. He is not a Moon, but actually just a kid. He is only 3.

Daddy: 3 Million years old?

Zach: No silly, he is just a 3 year old kid.

It is okay for both of you to work there

One weekend Daddy and Zach were watching TV and a commercial for Boeing came on.  

Daddy: You know, I work for Boeing.

Zach: I know.  My friend Daniel's Dad works for Boeing too.  You need to quit Boeing.

Daddy:  Why is that?

Zach: Daniel and I decided that both of our dads cannot work there.

Several weeks later on the drive back from the gym:


Zach: My friend Daniel and I decided that you do not need to quit Boeing.  It is okay for both of you to work there.  In fact, I decided that I am not going to marry Daniel (see here).  Instead; we are both going to work at Boeing when we grow up.

Daddy:  I always imagined you owning your own business...like a bagel store.  What will you name your bagel store?

Zach: hmmm...Mortimer Snerd.  I like it when Grandpy calls me that.

You'll live (AKA "die and get a molar")

Daddy was putting Tessa to bed and he went to put some anti-thumb sucking liquid on Tessa's thumb.

Tessa: That is irritating.

Daddy: That is what stops you from sucking your thumb.

Tessa: It is really irritating.

Daddy: You'll live.

Daddy puts Tessa to bed, she gets upset and Daddy locks the door until she calms down.

Tessa: If want me to live you will let me out. I will tell G-d to let me die. If you love me you will let me out.... You must not love me...YOU WANT ME TO DIE!!! Then I'm dying forever tomorrow...or maybe the next day or perhaps Friday....I AM GOING TO SPEND 5 DAYS DYING!!! If you don't want to let me die, you better open this door...

At some point Zach comes out of his room.


Zach: I did not brush my teeth.

Daddy: Go brush them real quick and then go back to bed.

Tessa: HA! HA! HA! We ALL forgot to brush our teeth.  We are going to get a MOLAR.  HA! HA! I am going to get a molar because I did not brush my teeth and you will be sorry.  I am going to MOLE at you every day.  We are going to get a MOLAR and we are going to die...die and get a MOLAR...If you don't want me to die you will open this door...I am not happy about this, I am going to get a MOLAR...


Hits door to her room


Tessa: Do I have to do that again?  I AM GOING TO GET A MOLAR!!!